Call Me Carnac: It's Prediction Time!

Okay, okay, I know what you are thinking. My recent predictions have been about as impressive as Carrot Top's stand-up routine. But today is different, at least I hope so. Some of these will no doubt seem absolutely ridiculous, and some of the predictions will no doubt be flat-out wrong; but I'm not going to be shy about taking some risks. With no further ado, here are my sports predictions for the remainder of the year 2008:

---The Chicago Cubs will end 100 years of futility. That's right, the Cubbies will be your 2008 World Series Champions. Better yet, they will face off against their crosstown rival Chicago White Sox, creating one of the most memorable fall classics ever.

---The Closing Ceremonies in Beijing will feature extended tributes to Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt.

---Also, the closing ceremonies will be just as magnificent as the opening ceremonies. This time, though, there will be no faux fireworks or lip-synching.

---Not only will the Redeem Team go on to win the gold, but they will finish the tourney with no team having come within twenty points of them.

---Mike Kryzewski's team will eclipse the '92 Dream Team and be remembered as the greatest Olympic basketball team of all time.

---Senator Joe Biden will be Barack Obama's running mate. Oh, my bad, I forgot for a second that this was a sports blog.

---On a serious note, the NFL will never have a better director of the players association than the late Gene Upshaw. Upshaw will be sorely missed.

---Peyton Manning will erase all doubt regarding his injury and have one of the best seasons of his career. The Colts will be Super Bowl Champions for the second time in three years.

---Brett Favre, on the other hand, will have the worst season of his career. He will retire after this season, regretting his decision to un-retire.

---I've already predicted a Chicago showdown in the World Series. Here are all of my baseball predictions: Mets in the NL East, Cubs in the NL Central, D'Backs in the NL West, Cardinals in the NL Wild Card, Rays in the AL East, White Sox in the AL Central, Angels in the AL West (duh), and Red Sox in the AL Wild Card. David Ortiz and David Wright will be the MVP's. Brandon Webb will win the National League Cy Young, and Cliff Lee will do the same in the American League. Rookies of the year will be Evan Longoria and Edison Volquez. Managers of the Year will be Joe Maddon and Lou Piniella. Josh Hamilton will be Comeback Player of the Year.

---Nobody ever wants to see a coach get fired, but I do believe Dick Jauron will get the ax halfway through the season, when the Bills are once again going through a poor season.

---There will be a lot of red in the stands on January 8, 2009 in Dolphins Stadium. Why? Because USC and Georgia will be battling for the national championship. Georgia will win.

---The BCS system will once again be at the center of major controversy, and it will once again become evident that the system is deeply flawed and unfair.

---Georgia's Knowshon Moreno will win the Heisman Trophy.

---Bill Belichick will continue to be a cranky curmudgeon. This year, however, no cameras will be involved.

---Mel Kiper's hair will continue to look like a frozen statue.

---The Hot Stove will be hotter than ever this winter in Major League Baseball. Another chapter will be added to the storied Red Sox-Yankees rivalry, as CC Sabathia will sign with New York and Mark Teixeira will sign with Boston.

---Once basketball season rolls around, Ron Artest will see Chris Paul and the Hornets, Tim Duncan and the Spurs, and the entire Western Conference and say to himself, "Dang! Why did I sign with Houston? Why did I stay in the West? This is going to be harder than I thought!"

---When college hoops starts up again, Dick Vitale will say "It's awesome baby" at least thirty times per broadcast.

---Much to Bill Parcells' chagrin, the Dolphins will finish with the worst record in the NFL for the second consecutive year.

---I'll finish with one we can all agree on. The world of sports will continue to be a smashing success.